Here's the deal…

Musings about love, life, and faith in an increasingly polarized world. A global connection has not blossomed into a global community. I have many roles, but first and foremost is being a Child of The Most High God. Welcome, and I hope my thoughts engage your thoughts in a forward-moving way. May God bless you and keep you on your journey.

April 16, 2024

Well, here we are. I am just past the second week post-emergency gallbladder surgery. For most of my life I have reflected on the physical being a manifestation of emotions, ways of thinking and the spiritual approach we have to this journey called life. This particular surgery threw me into a very deep depression and it’s source can be attibuted to many factors. Depression, and it’s sister Anxiety, have definitely been present in my family. So there is the genetic pre-disposition, plus my mother’s modeling was to always ‘present’ well, which in and of itself creates anxiety to be perfect, to be enough. I retired at the end of May, 2023 for multiple reasons, not the least being that I had been working for almost 7 years with chronic back, leg, and hip pain. I was bent over to ease the pressure on nerves and I had an ‘ataxic’ gate (that of a drunk) due to the same issue. I was always 150% involved in my work (teaching science to middle school for 17 years, then high school life sciences for 7). I lead and participated in committees, I was an advisor for our freshman then sophomore class, and an advisor for an academic club. I ran a lab a week for 3 classes for 24 years to keep kids engaged and falling in love with science. At one time I developed and ran schoolwide science fairs with students moving on to County, and then even winning at the State level. I got my masters in education to better serve my students and fellow colleagues. I was also a teacher-mentor to new teachers every year for most of my teaching career. The chronic pain was wearing and it became impossible for me to carry the load and handle the amount of pain I was in. So I retired. I didn’t retire when it was financially feasible to do so, knowing I would have to work part-time. I thought substitute teaching would be the answer, but I am getting ahead of myself.

One of the events that ran parallel to my preparations for retirement was seeing my family doctor about increasing pain in the left side of my neck. I had a decades-old sideways whiplash injury that I had gotten treatment for many times over the course of the years. What was different now was that I couldn’t lay on my left side anymore, the pain was so severe (and I was on opiates already). She ordered an xray, then an MRI and immediately referred me to an amazing orthopedic surgeon. Imagine my shock when his also amazing PA told me I was severely compromised at C4-C7 and that I would have to have surgery sooner than later. We agreed on a try at PT, but also scheduled me for a surgery consultation with the doctor. Things got delayed when I came down with a bad virus right when that appointment was due. I went to one PT appointment and the work that was done caused a huge flare-up all down my left side the following day, so I did not return to PT. When I was able to finally see the surgeon, he explained what we were seeing on the MRI. Surgery was then scheduled for 11/8/2023 with a planned 3-4 month recovery depending on what had to be done once they were inside. I was fortunate that they only had to replace two discs between C4-C6 and lift the bone off of my spinal cord. Yes, bone was lying on my spinal cord! My first walk after surgery I ugly-cried down the hallway praising the Lord because He is faithful and my chronic pain was gone.

March 24, 2024

“Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

February 28, 2024

I will not die; instead, I will live to tell what the Lord has done. The Lord has punished me severely, but he did not let me die. Open for me the gates where the righteous enter, and I will go in and thank the Lord. These gates lead to the presence of the Lord, and the godly enter there. (Psalm 118:17-20 NLT)

“Where did you go?” It is a question that I have asked more than once recently. It is an innocuous question when you have no context. So here is context: It is a question that many of my women friends are asking of their used-to-be-bffs. I have asked it of two of my long-time friends in the last months and I have no real answers. It begs me to ponder the choices we all have each day, and when looking at all of it in an overview, it appears the choices really only lead us down one of two paths. Be that as it may, as each event came around to reveal the pictures I had in my head and heart about our friendships were destroyed forever, I still wonder what sequence of events or words or a combination of the two was the causation for the fall-outs. (To be candid, I am clear about one of them.) That wondering has consistently led me down the path of grief, so I won’t belabor it here. But, the loss of someone you intimately shared your life with, both in history and emotional connection, cannot be dismissed easily. I still grieve as if in a death; I still reach in rage to defend myself against ears that will not listen and a mind closed in judgment; I am shattered again and again as I realize that one more heart has turned to stone.

December 3, 2023

I never cease to be surprised and delighted about how my faithfulness to education has paid off in very tangible ways. I get glimpses into where a student’s life has gone and developed (and what little impact I really had overall!) They are their own people the minute they take their first breath (and as many mothers suspect, possibly even prior to that). Recognizing that and working with it is certainly the better path both in short and long term.

James was already driven when I first met him at the start of his 7th grade year. He had already developed a life-long love of all things dinosaurs and he was already an accomplished academition and visual artist. He had already won medals for his collections at the County events. My contribution was a process/structure within which he could develop and explore his questions (formerly known as the Scientific Method). My motivational contribution was simply to help him through a moment of performance panic. All talent goes to this kid who with the considerable devoted help of his father Tony and his wife Tara, dreams were achieved with the creation of this documentary. It’s amazing, and we will see who picks it up: Netflix or Amazon. My husband and I were invited to the premier on 11/3/23. It was a night to remember, food and limos included!

November 22, 2023

I remember how hard it was to live in our culture with misaligned values at every turn. When I could articulate it, my belief through most of my adult life was that your priorities will change as you age and your needs and desires change. And as sensible as that thought is, and in many examples would prove to be true, I find myself reflecting on what ‘values’ really did change and what priorities along with it.

I view our society as having two different operating systems. One is the Everybody Keeps Score operating system (EKSOS). Financially, we share the burden. If I carry more than you*, you owe me at some future state. *Whether voluntarily or out of necessity.

Even gifts are part of the scoring tables. So what does that look like? In a simple example, we go out to lunch (let’s say it’s a mutual decision, and no one really invited the other), and the bill comes and a discussion is had about who pays what. In EKSOS, if someone decides to get generous and picks up the entire tab, it is assumed, indeed expected the other individual will do the same in return at some future point.

However, not everything is as clear and dried at the emotional level and the spiritual level doesn’t get addressed adequately either, although the old culture of ‘do enough and you will be worthy of God’ is certainly in keeping with EKSOS.

November 15, 2023

The realization that you have stepped back into the EKSOS and are living there has explained everything and made me want to just write you off. You have written me off, and of course that hurts and I want to strike out. However, I don’t live in your world anymore. I don’t play by those rules. I have taken the narrower path and I shall remain there.

I have so much joy to share with you, but you cannot see it because your questions have not been answered as mine have been. ‘²⁸ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

You are afraid of the Source, because of your history way before we entered each other’s lives. Woe to them who hurt you so deeply. I have prayed for you to step back into the world we shared, which was stupid of course, because that world did not exist anymore for either one of us. Then I prayed you would remember all of the good that went on between us, but if ever there was a moment for that to happen, it seems to have long since passed.

It took me a really long time to learn that no amount of reflection on our history together and our treatment of each other makes your ability to completely and totally abandon any relationship with me any more fathomable to me.

Ahhhhh, I finally got it! October 16, 2023

Wow, okay, that took a minute. I remember working on Watson and her funky back, trying my best to run energy through her to get her ‘back’ to health and wholeness. Except I learned then and had to relearn again that you cannot ever go ‘back’, you must go forward, and ‘normal’ may be a new one. So it is with our relationship. We cannot ‘return’ to anything. It is no longer there, as both of us have changed. It is a new beginning, and while I don’t know yet where it will take us, I am resting in the peace that my God works all things for good for those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV). Yes, I did change. I spent two complete years in Bible studies and I have been obedient to reading the Word (almost) every day, taking all things to Him in prayer, seeking wise council for pretty much all decisions, and learning to wait on God. By all accounts my growth has been astounding in both my faith and in the way I conduct myself. I don’t see it as well and as clearly as those around me. I know very well that I am human, of course, and claim no right to better than anyone. What I do know is who I am now, (a Child of The Most High God), and that has been progressively liberating and freeing from a self-centered world that only wants to satisfy the me, me, me. My focus is on Jesus and of serving others through and with the strength that my faith gives me.

October 10, 2023 …Ashland, Oregon

It is almost 12 years to the day that I left this place, in a small U-Haul, with River sitting shotgun, having no understanding and every understanding that my world had been turned upside down and nothing would ever be the same again.

I really tried to like Oregon. I have given the state multiple attempts to even bring me passive joy via the trees and wildlife and clean air. Oregon has had the temerity to be raining and miserable for most of my stays here. In 1992 I did a northwest geographical, planted in Eugene, built a business in Cottage Grove but Oregonians hate Californians, and in my workplace and my dealings with the community, that energy was palpable and exhausting. I cried all the way up there and all the way back home. I tried again in 2010 with a different spouse. The move cost me $40k. 9 months later I came out of it with the shirt on my back, my dog, a very broken heart and $3,000. And a few friends who did not believe the lies she told. (Thank you for giving me a safe place to land).

My one joy in all my times in Oregon was singing with the Jefferson State Chorale, Kirby and Markita Shaws choir. I am here today to attend their final concert this evening. ‘Embrace the Music’. The sky is cloudy, not raining, not clearing. Nothing is open in Ashland and I guess the farmers market got called because of the rain overnight, or I just never found it. That really represents my times in Oregon. I had a goal or destination each time that I could never find.

October 8, 2023

My Pastor Left Today…

I know you have had the impression that my church has become the center of my life. And in many ways I guess it could be perceived that way. What really happened is I began to focus more and more on following Jesus. I’ve certainly tried out religions. I’ve run with the baptists, buddhists and new agers. I’ve tried on all sorts of coats, but none of them fit. I was called back to the faith of my childhood, but now as an awake adult. I do listen to Jesus music every day. My main BFF’s are all Christians, it’s true. I’d like to think my faith has improved me, but my faith reminds me every day I am a broken and flawed human being in need of constant reminders to place others before myself. So much hurt has been done in the name of Jesus (and God for that matter). I know you hate that name. I’m sorry that you were abused and mistreated and lied to and fed false beliefs about who Jesus was/is and what He really did and said and why He came.

Which leads me to the fact that my pastor left today. He up and took his family to Idaho after 17 and a half years with this church. He’s been my pastor on and off for 11 years and solidly for the last 7. Is it big to me? Yes. We get attached to the people that represent our God. We get attached to His servants. It comes with the territory. So I am sad about this, as he is a good man and has been a good friend and mentor and brother to my husband. It’s a big change for us. I have no idea what it will look like in the future for my husband and me. We are deeply entrenched and we will be deeply affected by the decisions that are made going forward.

A Letter To My Friend… October 3, 2023

As I sift through the graffiti of our lives together over the years, (we met in 2000), I have had many thoughts about what friendship is, what sisterhood is, where we used to be, what has transpired since then and where we are now. I have held many silent conversations with you in my head as I garden the beautiful plants you have gifted me, and as I re-read cards from you that I have saved because your words of love and loyalty were so precious to me. They still are precious, but now when I read them they are tinged with grief. The light of your love for me and our friendship is viewed through tears and has dimmed and darkened and holds shadows in the grooves and crevices etched by time and our own fears.

A definition of what a friendship is could be a place to begin this conversation, as my ruminations and reflections have turned up some old soil and thoughts about what would be in an agreement, if we had written one down, about the characteristics of a friendship between two adult women. Some ‘rules of engagement’ for continuing joy and satisfaction of the parties involved, as it were.

But that is not where I will start. My reflections have so thoroughly inspected the events, circumstances, or situations where I could have broken those rules in our relationship so egregiously as to warrant the total and complete chasm that now exists between us, I no longer believe or think the chasm is about me, or something I did or didn’t do.

However, because we are older, and as you know, anything can happen in the blink of an eye, there are some things that I need to say, because I refuse to live in one of the largest regrets of my life which would be to die or you to die and the following words were not spoken to you. I couldn’t find where I have ever articulated all of the following in one place to you, so here it is. Read it, or not.

These are things that I know that were true then and that are still true:

1. I think of you as family, (although family that is upset with me and wants nothing to do with me), but with all family rights and privilidges; that includes responses by me and mine to any emergency calls for help 24/7.
2. You are referred to and known by all of my children and the older grandchildren as Aunt Karen. That hasn’t changed. Will not change.
3. You are always and ever welcome in my home.
4. I have been loyal to our friendship. I have not betrayed nor tried to replicate the level of history and understanding that we have shared in the past with any other newer friend.
5. I have never kept information from you that I was allowed to share with you about anything or anyone we both love.
6. I love you and still think of you as my sister because we have only ever been sisters-from-a-different-mother to each other. I don’t know how to think of you as anything other. I am unable to ‘erase’ a whole almost lifetime together! Don’t want to!
7. You will always be the older sister.
8. We have been each other’s safe places; I know who has been at my side during more than one terrible end to a relationship, and I know that I have been a good friend to process many, many challenges that you have had in various areas of your life in the past, as well.
9. Our father’s names are still both Richard, as our Bros.
10. My values have not changed from what you knew before. I still value God, Family, Community, Environment, pretty much in that order, which has not changed in over 4 decades.
11. During the Pandemic, which as far as I can tell is when everything went to shit between us, teaching was flipped, *my husband was sick (and ER 3 times and hospitalized 2x), my brother was sick (and died), I had my anti-depressants upped 3 x during the first 6 months and you and I were both dealing with a lot of fear.
12. Do I know everything that went on with you? Nope. Do I know how you struggled when you retired? Nope. I do remember going with you to your retirement celebration, because you asked, which I was thrilled about and that’s the kind of support we have always given each other. Could we have been better friends to each other during that time, idk, but was at best treading water and usually underwater most of the time until 2022.

I have never proclaimed I was perfect; as you know I am hot-tempered, can jump to conclusions, and can be very bossy, and I am working on all of those things all the time. I am a flawed human being like the rest of us and I offer you no excuses for not being an optimal friend and a worse sister the last few years, but I do beg forgiveness and ask for mercy.

*As an explanation for something that hurt you (and God knows that was certainly unintentional); I saw your face fall when I described Kirk being taken to the hospital by the Paramedics and Erika coming over to be with me for a little while because they would not let me in the hospital. I never called Erika. I had texted a prayer request to my small women’s bible group that had been meeting every week during the school year since 2018, and when I texted and upped my requests to include that he was being taken by ambulance, Erika took it upon her 35-year-old self to show up and take care of me. Truth be told I was terrified but I wasn’t thinking about anything except my husband at that time, and calling anyone was not on my radar.

And that’s all, my friend. No response required from you. I love you, wanted to explain and clarify a few things that have simply gone unsaid.